Still working on it

I'm having trouble deciding whether or not I should start from the beginning, or just put bits and pieces as I go along.  It may be easier to do it the latter way, but maybe just keep it one story at a time.

(Weirdly enough, the song "Never No More" from Aaliyah is playing on my list right now)

My earliest memories are of hiding in my bed, with the covers over my face.  Hiding and pretending to be asleep never helped.  My bedroom was moved to the basement once it was built, when I was around 7 years old.  My door faced the landing of the staircase.  Once I moved there, I had some warning of when my dad would come visit for goodnight kisses.  Before that, my room was right next to his, so I never really knew when he would come by.

I don't know which was worse, reflecting back on it now; never knowing, or having a few seconds to wonder and hide?

It all started innocently enough.  Regular kisses and tuck-ins.  Eventually, it morphed into tickling my back, which I enjoyed, until his hands would move further down.  He would push my nightgown up, so he could tickle my back.  Not so bad, right? I wasn't so sure about the underwear being lowered, though.  He was my daddy, and I trusted him, so although I felt uncomfortable, I let it go on.  Remember, we're still just tickling, so I'm in the frame of mind that he's being weird, but still just trying to get better access to my back. 

Sometimes, he wouldn't pull my underwear down, just push it to one side or the other, or just give me a wedgie.  These times I felt even more uncomfortable, because he wasn't just tickling my back anymore.  He would also tickle my exposed buttocks.  I would ask him to stop, and sometimes he would, for a few minutes.  Then he would go back to my butt.  Most times, he would tell me this is how every daddy showed his girl how much he loved her, so I felt a little better.  He said it was normal, and at 7, who was I to disagree, or even think differently?

I was smack dab in the middle of what therapists call the "grooming stage". He was checking to see how far he could get, and making me feel like we were ok, and that every one did this very same thing.

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Many separate things in these occurrences made it difficult to become adult in my sexuality.  By this, I mean that I was forced into acts that were sexual, before I even had a word for them, and so as an adult, when my butt was tickled as a means of foreplay, I had an immediate sensation of guilt and disgust, followed by imagery flashbacks, then complete shut down and numbness.  Therapy helped with these, by making me taking control of this particular situation with my lover, and staying in the moment.  It was very difficult, but incredibly freeing, because it felt like I was placing the right label on something that had been bothering me for years.