Back to it, shall we?

So far, I have discussed the abuse that I have suffered at the hands of my father and cousin. The two intersected at a crucial point in my development, and really cemented the way I felt about myself. I really felt like I was nothing more than an object. I was used at the other person's whim, and sometimes I got love in return. I had a love/hate relationship; with my dad, certainly, but with myself as well. I hated him for what he was doing, but I hated myself more for allowing it to happen. Was I that starved for attention? What confused me, though, more than anything else, was that his sexual interactions with me were always very subtle and nonchalant. It made me feel super guilty for putting up a fuss. Kisses were one, as I mentioned in another post. So were the jokes and looks. I never felt at home in my own body because I felt like he trapped me in it. Everything he said or did was about my body. You're so beautiful. You could stand to lose a few pounds. You look so much like your mom. Don't ever let strangers near you, they'll want to touch you. Do you have any boyfriends? Do they touch you? Do you touch your genitals (pork, as he called it) yet? You're growing up nicely. Makes my skin crawl just typing those, and the comments were unrelenting. If you can picture a so-called "dirty old man" who tells crappy, off-color jokes all the time, you've got my dad. Even now, if I answer the phone and it's him, he'll somehow manage to squeeze a few in. I always tried to brush them off in the past, and I do think I came out on the other side a much stronger person. I developed my own sense of humor early on, and interestingly enough, it often seemed to disarm him and make him laugh. He sometimes left me alone later that night, but not often. That's not to say that he visited me every night. At least I don't think he did. Memories are fleeting of that time, so you'll have to excuse the somewhat here-and-there nature of the posts when I discuss this part of my past. Like I said in my very first post, it wasn't a horrible childhood all the way around. I mostly got along well with my brother, and I love my mom, despite troubles in my teens (which I'll get into, don't worry. P.S. I kind of go down the rabbit hole and have to dig my way out). I honestly think that everything I've been through has made me a better person. Here are a few things I like about ME! I am compassionate I am friendly to pretty much everyone (unless I get a weird knot in my stomach, sign to back away quickly) I am loving I am very dependable I am a hard worker I am a good mom, and know that I have always tried to do what was best for my kids, even though it means not having them full time for a while I am a good listener I have a quick wit that makes people laugh out loud and choke on their soup I could probably go on and on but I should really be getting ready for my man to come home. By that, I mean I need to catch a few ZZZs because I wake up at 5 for work, and he works until 9pm tonight. I do want to spend time with him at some point today.